Three Tablespoons Rhubarb, On Fire

Welcome, <Subject Name Here>. Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. As you know, science is very important, and we’re appreciative of your dedication of yourself up to and including possible permanent disabilities, such as death. To avoid permanent disabilities, be sure to ¶œ†⇔∼¬
^H
.

State and local statutory regulations prohibit us from revealing the entire nature of the experiment you are participating in today, but be informed that it may involve physics, psychology, thermodynamics, pharmacology, and non-Euclidean geometry. And cake. For the party. At the end. When you’re done. Sometimes cake is my favorite part of science. When asking your children if they would like to attend the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, remind them that science = cake.

The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a black, 100% cotton “Look at me still talking when there’s Science to do” t-shirt in three, two, one….

May the Triforce Be With You

It’s good to be a Hylian. You’ve got a benevolent monarchy that rules over a land formed by goddesses. You’ve got diverse landscape for all types — woods, swamps, deserts, mountains. You have lakes and waterfalls for vacations. Temples for the religiously inclined. And a gorgeous castle. Yeah, it’s good to be a Hylian. Except for the whole Imprisoning War bit. And the Twilit Invasion. And the flooding. But that’s what you have a hero for. You wouldn’t need a hero if everything was perfect.

Be a card-carrying denizen of Hyrule (er, well, shirt-carrying) with this Crest of Hyrule tee. The image is distressed, as if you have been busy defending the kingdom in your spare time. The crest is printed in brown on a black 100% cotton t-shirt. The back has a small Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time logo.

Good News, Everyone!

Here at Planet Express, we’re always looking for fresh recruits to join our spaceship crew. Whether your permanent career assignment is in intergalactic navigation or accounting and administration, chances are, we have a slot open for you right now. Career deserter? No problem! As part of our ongoing effort to give back through recycling, we’ve salvaged the career chips from some of our past, brave crewmembers and now can pass those savings on to you!

What will you be doing when you work for Planet Express? Well, you’ll get to see the entire universe and also transport cargo! And when we say entire universe, we mean it. We go places other delivery companies (not to name names — Mom’s Friendly Delivery Company) only dream of going. (Why they were screaming and running while dreaming, we’re not sure. It’s probably something in the water.) In addition to the fun work environment, some of our benefits include on-board medical facilities with highly trained staff (unless that’s the crewmember you’re replacing… in which case, welcome aboard!), a pension plan, stock options, not having a uniform that involves kneesocks, or, indeed, any socks at all if you so wish, and an endless supply of free darkmatter.

Even if you can’t join our ranks today, you can take home an official “Planet Express” t-shirt. It features our logo in orange on a red, fitted t-shirt with the words, “Reliable Interplanetary Delivery. Serving the Milky Way and Beyond!” Note that the printing is slightly distressed (you can see the shirt in several places), much like our employees!

Come to the Dark Side

The Dark Side gets all the cool toys. You come to the Dark Side, we can guarantee you a cape. You wanna use your powers to get into the movie theater for free? Cool with us. We provide excellent theme music for stalking through your lair. Oh, and don’t forget: black is slimming, and it goes with everything. Power, strength, fashion sense, a great 401k, plus, we offer the ultimate prize — cookies! Bet you didn’t know the Sith Lords were a veritable cadre of Iron Chefs in the kitchen. By harnessing the power of the Dark Side, they’ve made these cookies well-nigh irresistible. Can’t you almost smell the scent of fresh-baked cookies, wafting through the airlock….

Heavyweight 100% cotton black ladies’ fitted t-shirt. But no milk. Milk promotes strong bones and a healthy body, and we don’t need that crap.

Note: I actually own this shirt :) My sister got it for my for Christmas. And it fits like a DREAM.

“We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… this land.”

Just like British actors in American film, poor theropods always end up playing the bad guys. At the beginning of the pilot for Firefly (well, okay, after the beginning beginning), Wash has those plastic dinosaurs, one of which is a Tyrannosaurus or an Allosaurus. Either way, it’s a theropod that’s about to be vilified. Let’s face it. Whenever you have two plastic dinosaurs together, you know it’s gonna end with one of them being eaten, so if you’ve got a carnivore and an herbivore, you know who has the upper … er… appendage. Especially since the Stegosaurus is all, “Ehn. Ehn. I gots only orthal movements in mah jaw. Ehn.” We just hope the Stegosaurus got to use the thagomizer (Gary Larson should get to name all these things) before its untimely end.

We’ll be honest here. We hadn’t heard of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock until that episode of The Big Bang Theory. You could say that prior to that day we were traditional roshamboists. When we heard Sheldon explain how it works and why it’s superior to your standard-grade RPS, we immediately paused the TV and went over to teh Intarwebs to do research. And indeed, we found the page by Sam Kass, the genius behind this version. His phenomenon must now be part of our life. However, none of us knew anything about this version of the game. So we ended up playing Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out who had to write the copy for this shirt. It went a little something like this:

Fearless Leader: “One, two, three, SHOOT!”
Rules Lawyer: “What’s that?”
Free Thinker: “It’s a zombie.”
Rules Lawyer: “There is no Zombie in Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock.”
Free Thinker: “Braaaaaainsssss.”
Rules Lawyer: “There are no Brains in Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock.”
Merchant Monkey: “Lizard and Spock have Brainnnnnnnsssss.”
Second Merchant: “Right. And Rock bludgeons Zombie into a small pile of blood, teeth, and hair.”
Free Thinker: “Awwww.”
Fearless Leader: “Are you two done? Okay. Again. One, two, three, SHOOT!”
Rules Lawyer: *raised eyebrow*
Free Thinker: “It’s the Large Hadron Collider.”

The symbols for Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock in a circle (with arrows for reference on what beats what) on a cotton, royal blue babydoll (fitted) t-shirt.

How the Rookies Play with Others

• Rock crushes lizard.
• Scissors decapitate lizard.
• Lizard eats paper.
• Lizard poisons Spock.
• Paper disproves Spock.
• Spock vaporizes rock.
• Spock bends scissors.

I was SO close to buying this shirt when I saw Mary Poppins in Chicago. SO CLOSE! But the soundtrack won over.

I probably could have just borrowed the soundtrack from someone else who bought it, but I like buying the soundtrack to every show I see, because I LOVE Broadway.